My competition is 3 weeks out. That’s fancy talk for: it’s in 3 weeks.
My diet hasn’t been changed substantially, however, my coach took out my “cheat” meals.
And I’m tired, cranky, and I want a pizza.
No, not a slice of pizza.
A pizza.
Here are the reasons people in my immediate vicinity may be harmed between now and March 17th:
1. Chewing…I’m sorry, but there is no reason your teeth should click, your tongue should sap, or your mouth should move while you’re chewing. There just isn’t!!!! Stop it or I’ll slap you.
2. Speaking to me. Just don’t. Nothing you have to say at this point in time will interest me.
3. Talking about candy. More specifically jujubes. It’s a fucking jujube, not a 3 carot diamond. Shut up!
4. Moving quickly. Make no sudden moves around me. My nerves are so taut right now, I’m like a puma. I’ll slash you so quick, you won’t know where I came from.
5. Answer “Why?” to anything I tell you to do. Doing so will result in this long-winded speech delivered by me in an octave that will make dogs howl: “Don’t ask why. Just do it! Do it because I said so! If you don’t like the way I do things around here, then get out! There’s the door. Go on! Get out!”
…and while issuing this speech, I will not take into account whether the eight year old is legally allowed to move out.
6. Tell me my diet is unhealthy while you’re drinking a coke and eating a meatball sandwich slathered in grease.
7. Being my ex-husband. The mere sight of a text from him makes me want to crush my cell phone beneath the heel of my boot. The only reason I don’t is that my plan doesn’t expire for another 2 years, and I would be left cell phone-less.
8. Come up with 10 things to tie this post up in a nice tidy bow…
Note: No people or ex-husband were harmed during the making of this post…oh, and the eight year old is not homeless.
Lol, how dare your ex-husband continue to exist! If someone makes sudden movements around you maybe you should just pick them up and squat them.
It would really freak them out. ha.
I feel this way every day, except I don’t look like a superstar. I’m definitely doing something wrong.
Glad to hear from you!
Hahah only three weeks left…. can’t wait to hear about the competition.
You are going to kick ass in your competition. Can’t wait for the pictures!
3 weeks. That’s it! Mere days until you motorboat your pizza. Kick it girl.
Chewing?? Enjoying food?? What the fuck is wrong with the co-habitants in your home??? I’d write more but my chinese is ready for pick up.. Sry. – Hahahaha!
– You’ll do awesome in the competition because, well, you’re awesome and what else could you possibly do??? Can’t wait to see the pics! Break a leg! Wait, no, don’t do that. Go all Tonya Harding on your competition and break THEIR legs instead!
I’m glad you picked a Puma and not a cougar. Too obvious.
p.s you go girl!
I really would have been ok with the ex-husband being harmed
I didn’t know they still sold jujubes.
Can you get a pizza with a gluten free crust or it is because of carbs?
You can do it!
Awww, I’m sorry sweetie. After your competition, come to Myrtle Beach and unwind. We can eat and drink to your hearts (stomachs) content on the beach. What do you say?
You should have given us a picture of yourself dressed in animal print crouched at the top of a rock…ready to spring and slash.
It will be here before you know it. I’m rooting for you!
I’m sure you’re much more like Hello Kitty then Cat Woman. Have a steak, it will make you feel better.
Are you ever, ever coming by again. Stupid school…
I’m going with a safe reply and am just going to tell you how hot & bad ass you are!
That is exactly how I feel during the 3 days a week I try to be healthy. Totally irritated with everything. Especially chewing.
Hey, I tagged you in the 11 Random Things meme! Come by my site and check it out. It’s fun. I never know who likes to participate in tags or not, so if you don’t prefer to do it, that’s ok!
You should post pictures, it’ll make us all feel better.
Oh my gosh, three weeks!! So exciting!! I want to see some pictures
May I please be your hit woman? I wanna take out an ex-husband.
Love,
Janie
If being stupid was a disability then there would be some many more people on disability……….lol I know some really stupid people most of them on my husbands side of the family………lol
My daughter says I make to much noise when I eat but she is the only person to say so, so the problem is hers not mine……….lol
Hang in there! You’ve made it this far! xoxoxo
You have an Ex? I can’t imagine why anyone would let you get away… ;o)
3 weeks? You can do that, just make sure your kids know to shut up. It’s good practice for them.
Almost there! Hold on and keep going. You can do it. Go team,Go!!
Rosemary
Oh hell. Those are my rules for every day around here and I’m not even in training/starving for competition.
I really hope you’re getting a lot of sex to make up for everything you are missing in food.
This is the fun stage isn’t it?! Good news is, only 21 days to go!!!!!! WWWOOOOOOO!
I’m not food deprived and I’m nodding along to half your list. Safe to say, I can NEVER go on any diet.
Ugh, I hear you!!! More than you know!!! I have Celiac so no gluten for me. I want GOOD pizza so darn bad and not some impostor of nastiness made of rice flour. GOOD, fatty, wheatful, fluffy PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In 3 weeks and a day, I’ll take you for a DQ Blizzard wrapped in a pizza if you’ll walk me through (GENTLY!)a boot camp workout. Deal?
#pleasedonthurtme
Almost got beaten and killed by some angry Japanese women for daring to lounge around a nice pantie shop. The sign said “Men buy your special someone a gift”
Maybe they got a competition coming up?
Scary!!!!
Yeah, but you look FABULOUS!
Geesh, I feel like this everyday and I’m not even training or cutting out junk food. Stay the course; it will be so worth it.
I want to comment but I’m afraid. Besides, my mouth is full of cake.
What exactly is a jujube? I’ve never had those. Hang in there, girl, you will rock it in 3 weeks!
Gee, I can’t wait to hop on the show bandwagon- it sounds like it really brings out the best in you! I can’t even imagine how rotten I’d be if I were doing that diet and exercise regimen. Thinking about it makes me think my blood sugar is low! Hope you rock that show!!
All of these annoy me daily and I am not training for a competition. Minus the ex-husband. I have yet to acquire one of those.
Haha, you’re amazing!
All the best for your competition!
I have done the ex-husband phone smash-up. It’s actually not as much fun as it sounds and you are right, not worth it until the new plan kicks in.
Great post!
i hear that sex burns alot of calories…..
if you got alittle more frisky, you might be able to afforfd a jujube or 2.
i’d be happy to help out if you want.. im a giver like that…
I feel your pain.
Actually, I don’t, but I’ve been there. Well, no I haven’t.
I’m trying to relate, but I’ve been without carbs for only 3 consecutive days once, and I felt most of what you just listed.
Hang in there.
I love you.
*Is that okay? Can I still live?*
Go Sandra Go! You’re so close now! And you’re going to kick some serious ass.
sweety … i’ll be hating next week when i’m on a liquid diet for 10-14 days!! ugh!!
anyway, hopefully i won’t be reading about any murders.
love ya doll! a xo
Oh no! You really are almost there. Closer now, because I’m a few days late to this post. Hang in there!
I’m a little scared to leave a comment. I realize it’s been a while since I stopped by. I”M SORRY! Please don’t yell at me. I just wanted to wish you good luck for your competition. Maybe you could take out some aggression on a punching bag? Is that part of your training? I think I will order you a pizza on the 18th.
So, your competition is only a couple of weeks before my due date. What this means is that while you’re wrapping up months of extremely healthy eating, I’m looking at the home stretch of my time where I can eat things I enjoy with less guilt. In about a month, our places will be switched- you’ll be able to enjoy yourself and I’ll be dieting like crazy trying to get back to my pre-baby weight. Sigh.